"Theres nothin like having rules about being a man posted by a kid going through purberty..."
~ Asarien

Official: Rules For Being a Man. Hope you enjoy it! Thanks to Maxim as a source!

Rule #1: Thou shalt not rent Chocolat.

Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Rule #212: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You’d rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns.

Rule #723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A best-man toast must not include any of the following phrases: “down in Tijuana,” “improbably booting out his nose,” “mostly scabbed over,” or “energetic Greco-Roman clusterf***.”

Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bulls***. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule #1,219: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule #1,476: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.

Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature’s unsuitable.

Rule #1,862: A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own—weed whacker, car, firstborn child—with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

Rule #2,284 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Rule #2,475: Do not torpedo single friends: If you’re married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, “So, when are you two gonna walk the plank?” Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rug rats’ toys for two years.

Rule #2,500: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule #2,650 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it. But he’s fully within his rights to say, “Man, are you gonna love the way she licks your testicles.”

Rule #2,738: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

Rule #2,811: If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.

Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)

Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbor chick.

Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Rule #4,671: While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’ significant dickheads—low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. (Sorry, ladies: It’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true.)

Rule #5,294: Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

Rule #5,888 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

Rule #6,172 (Gas Warfare Act): You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

Rule #6,521: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

Rule #6,876: When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.)

Rule #7,104: Only in a situation of mortal and/or ass peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

Rule #7,105: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

Rule #7,718 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule #7,847: The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping, you may stand back and enjoy.

Rule #8,000: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Rule #8,174 (The Golden Rule): Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule has survived many challenges and supersedes all childish “pee breaks are safe” local ordinances.

Rule #8,416: When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes—as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sidelines.

Rule #8,421: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule #8,580: Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Rule #8,754: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers.”
“Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?”

Rule #8,812: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.

Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible “I recognize you” nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule #8,911: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you’re able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.

Rule #9,048: You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Rule #9,076: When receiving oral sex while driving, always:

Wear your seat belt.
Close the sunroof.
Smile.
Make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.

The End?

__________________
The Big Nerd: The Supreme Grammar Nazi

bryan49449: ... And the only reason that you can still post is because you put the file back that you HACKED out on the old boards!
bryan49449: I guess you got BORED WITH THE TEMP'S EH?!
GMan5589: . . .
GMan5589: Haha.

Bryan's Words of Wisdom:
Big N: Teach me your ways of getting things in order, Bryan.
Bryan: Ok, this is what I would have done...
Bryan: YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! YOU BEST GIVE ME YOUR GODDAMN GOOP OR I'LL SHOVE A FUCKING BUTCHER KNIFE UP YOUR FREQUENTLY PENETRATED ANUS!!!11
Bryan: See pupil? You must flow with the words...
Big N: This has been Bryan's Words of Wisdom.

Look at the title, you can't do code in them

__________________
:x Love ya Adam! :x
"Love isn't brains, children. It's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work it's will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it." - Spike
http://www.geocities.com/resicrypt

lmao.

__________________


OWN3D: Spatula, Myth, Speedy1
:xSpeedy1's sexual advances::x
spyder2517: im putting you because i love you
spyder2517: you are like jalapeno
spyder2517: hot and spicy
spyder2517: thats another one in the list big boy

Peter was a psycho killer!
Peter says: but i dont like killing stuff anymore...

too long..ill read it later

Rule #9,210: If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.” Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.

Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state’s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.

Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.

Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “F*** off!” you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.

Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule #9,998: Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

Rule #19: No guy shall attempt to pick his own nickname. If a friend suddenly starts demanding to be called Diesel, it's your duty to saddle him with a handle like Wee-Bit or Sheet Stain.

Rule #188: You are within your rights to leave the poker table early if you're up. And the other players are within their rights to duct-tape your shaved body to the axle of a Peru-bound semi.

Rule #511: When asked, your best friend's girl is always beautiful-and never your type.

Rule #663: Even if God Almighty himself asks, you have no damn idea what brand of conditioner you use!

Rule #689: If you score tickets to a major sporting event and take your girlfriend over your buddy, he is perfectly within his rights to spend those three hours boning your mother.

Rule #732: Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish stewardess twins, surprisingly, is not.

Rule #802: You are not a fan of a major sport unless you can lucidly explain its overtime regulations. Conversely, you are not an American if you can lucidly explain the overtime regulations of soccer.

Rule #881: When ordering pizza, you are not required to provide a meatless option for any vegetarian interloper. If you have a backyard, however, you may invite him/her to graze.

Rule #1,111: One does not shave one's nether regions unless one is prepping for open-nether-region surgery.

Rule #1,765: If you're the new guy at work, "New Guy" is your only name until a new new guy shows up-even if you've been a senior VP for 12 years. Got it, New Guy? Great, now fetch us some coffee, New Guy! (God, I love that.)

Rule #3,005: The loser of a bet must be prepared to pay up on the spot. The winner, however, is obligated to accept any reasonable lame-ass double-or-nothing proposition, until the debt reaches one gazillion dollars.

Rule #4,001: Under no circumstances may one man ask another man a question that begins with, "So, what are you wearing to…?"

Rule #4,262: An anecdote about a threesome, no matter how unlikely and overwrought, may not be interrupted for any reason.

Rule #4,884: The official ranking of your friends' dorkwad hobbies, in order of how intensely you should mock them:

5. Fantasy sports leagues
4. Stamp collecting
3. Comic books
2. Doily knitting
1. Star Trek conventions

Rule #4,893: Unless she is specifically invited, it's not OK to bring along your girlfriend when meeting a drinking buddy. What the hell are you three possibly gonna talk about?

Rule #7,000: If a man compliments your "outfit," he is accusing you of being gay.

Rule #7,547: No phone call between men shall last more than one minute per year of friendship, unless it's about fixing something.

Rule #7,229: If your girlfriend refuses to do anal, or to swallow, or to perform any other sexual favor, it is your duty to stop her from spreading her evil gospel among your friends' girls.

Rule #7,975: It's OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch. It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan.

Rule #8,102: Never speak ill of another man's dog. Always speak ill of another man's cat. If the other man owns a gerbil, find another friend.

Rule #8,746: Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged.

Are you a man? Take the quiz!

Test your manhood:

In which of the following situations is it OK to cry?

a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
e. When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw, again.
f. When your date is using her teeth.

answer: all of the above


When, if ever, is it acceptable to assist a buddy who’s flailing on fire-starting duty?

a. Never—he’s on his own.
b. When you’ve emptied an entire Schlitz since he last made progress.
c. Only when he’s on the verge of resorting to higher technology—i.e., if he’s pulling out lighter fluid, you can restack it correctly and light a match.
d. When your girlfriend starts giving you that look.

answer: c


Under what circumstances is it acceptable to slap another man on the butt?

a. He just pitched a no-hitter in the final game of the World Series.
b. His backside is consumed in flames and he has no arms.
c. He just showed up at your door with a pitcher of cosmos and the special-edition Will & Grace DVD.
d. Absolutely none of the above.

answer: d. as in duh.


Uh-oh...it's a vegetarian restaurant! What's your safest option?

a. Hot dog bun with carrot inside
b. Spaghetti with two turnips in the middle
c. Hamburger bun with nothing in it
d. Menu on plate doused in A.1. sauce and the blood of a vegan

answer: dude, what the hell are you doing in a vegetarian restaurant?

__________________
The Big Nerd: The Supreme Grammar Nazi

bryan49449: ... And the only reason that you can still post is because you put the file back that you HACKED out on the old boards!
bryan49449: I guess you got BORED WITH THE TEMP'S EH?!
GMan5589: . . .
GMan5589: Haha.

Bryan's Words of Wisdom:
Big N: Teach me your ways of getting things in order, Bryan.
Bryan: Ok, this is what I would have done...
Bryan: YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! YOU BEST GIVE ME YOUR GODDAMN GOOP OR I'LL SHOVE A FUCKING BUTCHER KNIFE UP YOUR FREQUENTLY PENETRATED ANUS!!!11
Bryan: See pupil? You must flow with the words...
Big N: This has been Bryan's Words of Wisdom.

Whoever made that list must have no life

__________________

good 1 nice rules there big N

Thanks

But somebody help me here. I've edited the title of the thread and taken out the image codes, but they're still there!

__________________
The Big Nerd: The Supreme Grammar Nazi

bryan49449: ... And the only reason that you can still post is because you put the file back that you HACKED out on the old boards!
bryan49449: I guess you got BORED WITH THE TEMP'S EH?!
GMan5589: . . .
GMan5589: Haha.

Bryan's Words of Wisdom:
Big N: Teach me your ways of getting things in order, Bryan.
Bryan: Ok, this is what I would have done...
Bryan: YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! YOU BEST GIVE ME YOUR GODDAMN GOOP OR I'LL SHOVE A FUCKING BUTCHER KNIFE UP YOUR FREQUENTLY PENETRATED ANUS!!!11
Bryan: See pupil? You must flow with the words...
Big N: This has been Bryan's Words of Wisdom.

did you deleate both?

Ahh.... The good 'ol days...

__________________
I have a sack.