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The Big Nerd · #5 (**permalink**) 12-28-2002, 05:31 PM

Rule #9,210: If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it’s the chorus to “Wooly Bully.” Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.

Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state’s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.

Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.

Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “F*** off!” you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.

Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule #9,998: Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

Rule #19: No guy shall attempt to pick his own nickname. If a friend suddenly starts demanding to be called Diesel, it's your duty to saddle him with a handle like Wee-Bit or Sheet Stain.

Rule #188: You are within your rights to leave the poker table early if you're up. And the other players are within their rights to duct-tape your shaved body to the axle of a Peru-bound semi.

Rule #511: When asked, your best friend's girl is always beautiful-and never your type.

Rule #663: Even if God Almighty himself asks, you have no damn idea what brand of conditioner you use!

Rule #689: If you score tickets to a major sporting event and take your girlfriend over your buddy, he is perfectly within his rights to spend those three hours boning your mother.

Rule #732: Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish stewardess twins, surprisingly, is not.

Rule #802: You are not a fan of a major sport unless you can lucidly explain its overtime regulations. Conversely, you are not an American if you can lucidly explain the overtime regulations of soccer.

Rule #881: When ordering pizza, you are not required to provide a meatless option for any vegetarian interloper. If you have a backyard, however, you may invite him/her to graze.

Rule #1,111: One does not shave one's nether regions unless one is prepping for open-nether-region surgery.

Rule #1,765: If you're the new guy at work, "New Guy" is your only name until a new new guy shows up-even if you've been a senior VP for 12 years. Got it, New Guy? Great, now fetch us some coffee, New Guy! (God, I love that.)

Rule #3,005: The loser of a bet must be prepared to pay up on the spot. The winner, however, is obligated to accept any reasonable lame-ass double-or-nothing proposition, until the debt reaches one gazillion dollars.

Rule #4,001: Under no circumstances may one man ask another man a question that begins with, "So, what are you wearing to…?"

Rule #4,262: An anecdote about a threesome, no matter how unlikely and overwrought, may not be interrupted for any reason.

Rule #4,884: The official ranking of your friends' dorkwad hobbies, in order of how intensely you should mock them:

5. Fantasy sports leagues
4. Stamp collecting
3. Comic books
2. Doily knitting
1. Star Trek conventions

Rule #4,893: Unless she is specifically invited, it's not OK to bring along your girlfriend when meeting a drinking buddy. What the hell are you three possibly gonna talk about?

Rule #7,000: If a man compliments your "outfit," he is accusing you of being gay.

Rule #7,547: No phone call between men shall last more than one minute per year of friendship, unless it's about fixing something.

Rule #7,229: If your girlfriend refuses to do anal, or to swallow, or to perform any other sexual favor, it is your duty to stop her from spreading her evil gospel among your friends' girls.

Rule #7,975: It's OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch. It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan.

Rule #8,102: Never speak ill of another man's dog. Always speak ill of another man's cat. If the other man owns a gerbil, find another friend.

Rule #8,746: Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged.

Are you a man? Take the quiz!

Test your manhood:

In which of the following situations is it OK to cry?

a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, and 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
e. When you accidentally slice off your head in a bandsaw, again.
f. When your date is using her teeth.

answer: all of the above

When, if ever, is it acceptable to assist a buddy who’s flailing on fire-starting duty?

a. Never—he’s on his own.
b. When you’ve emptied an entire Schlitz since he last made progress.
c. Only when he’s on the verge of resorting to higher technology—i.e., if he’s pulling out lighter fluid, you can restack it correctly and light a match.
d. When your girlfriend starts giving you that look.

answer: c

Under what circumstances is it acceptable to slap another man on the butt?

a. He just pitched a no-hitter in the final game of the World Series.
b. His backside is consumed in flames and he has no arms.
c. He just showed up at your door with a pitcher of cosmos and the special-edition Will & Grace DVD.
d. Absolutely none of the above.

answer: d. as in duh.

Uh-oh...it's a vegetarian restaurant! What's your safest option?

a. Hot dog bun with carrot inside
b. Spaghetti with two turnips in the middle
c. Hamburger bun with nothing in it
d. Menu on plate doused in A.1. sauce and the blood of a vegan

answer: dude, what the hell are you doing in a vegetarian restaurant?