"April 11 2004 "ICH" -- After months of build up, the French government, led by Jacques Chirac, launched a preemptive attack on the United States of America.
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Declaring the US "a rogue nation in violation of international law and in defiance of UN resolution 1441," France launched a major ground offensive to overturn what they called "the illegitimate regime of George W. Bush." Citing the 2000 election as proof of an unlawful government, the French claimed they are invading the US to bring democracy to the American people. Termed Operation American Freedom, Jacques Chirac declared on French National TV: "the failure of the US to disarm and the threats against France by the unelected president has created the need to invade America in order to protect us against the inevitable aggression by the US along with Bush's stockpiling of weapons of mass destruction. The US, he declared, was part of an axis of evil along with the United Kingdom and Israel.

After a relentless bombing campaign termed "Le Shock e Le Awe," French along with a German coalition forces captured Washington DC and surrounding areas. German troops controlled territory from North Carolina to Florida.

Chirac appointed Dominique de Villepin as interim president and established a governing council of Americans. The complete transition to the American leadership is scheduled to occur on June 30 2004. Made up of African Americans, Native Americans, Mexican Americans, and a few white "Conservatives," this council will govern the newly liberated US beginning on July 1, 2004.

Meanwhile, former President George W. Bush has been arrested after a tip led to his capture in a "spider hole" just outside of Crawford, Texas. Bush was met by French soldiers with the greeting: "Jacques Chirac sends his regards." The American informant received 25 million Euros for the information and was given French citizenship and a change of identity. The former undisclosed American citizen who revealed "W's" whereabouts was hailed as a hero by the French media. George W. Bush was in good health and seen on TV with a beard, long hair and his trademark cowboy hat. His daughters vanished and his wife's whereabouts are unknown. President Bush has vowed his innocence and declared the French invasion illegal.

Meanwhile American Insurgents have fought the French army using guerrilla tactics and terrorist strikes. According to Chirac, these terrorists "hate freedom and will not succeed in our desire to bring peace, security and democracy to America." Chirac, when told of the upsurge in American resistance said: "Le' bring em on."

In a recent event, American insurgents attacked an SUV carrying four French Foreign Legion Mercenaries. Dragged from their vehicle, the four Frenchmen were executed and dragged through the streets of Arlington, Virginia. Burned and hacked the French "contractors" were despicably hung from a bridge over the Potomac. The French government promised to "pacify" the American terrorists "at a time and place of our choosing."

The French forces, equipped with helicopters, missiles and advanced weaponry, attacked Arlington, Virginia inflicting 490 American deaths and over 1000 injuries. Called operation Vigilant Resolve, the government of Jacques Chirac claimed the action was justified to avenge the killing and humiliation of the so-called French "contractors". Terrorism, Chirac declared, must be fought at all costs and France will never accept the approval of the anyone to protect it's citizens."

Meanwhile back in the US , American insurgents have retaken Charlotte, Savannah and Jacksonville. Chirac, declared these terrorists will be defeated and the will of the French people is unshakable. Chirac, after landing on the French Aircraft Carrier Napoleon, and declaring, "Mission Accomplished," has admitted over 500 French soldiers have been killed and 3000 were wounded by the criminals and terrorists of "freedom hating" Americans.

A spokesman for the Chirac announced today that Donald Rumsfeld has been captured but his detention remains classified. Donald Rumsfeld, the Ace of Diamonds in the Chirac's deck of cards, was the former Defense Secretary under the brutal undemocratic administration of George W. Bush. Rumsfeld, according to Chirac, was wanted "dead or alive". "The world today is a safer place with Rumsfeld in custody, "said Chirac.

With the French death toll now surpassing 650 and the American death toll in the tens of thousands, according to Chirac, "all human life is precious, even sometimes American, but such is the price of freedom and democracy."

In an extraordinary event, "High Priest" and former presidential candidate Pat Robertson declared today "Christian Jihad" against what he called the French "Atheists". Citing, "better to die as a martyr," Robertson appealed to all Christians to expel the French invaders and return the US to it's Christian traditions. Robertson has issued a "Fatwa" declaring the French "Atheists" as illegal invaders and to attack them with passion. "Jesus is Great," declared Robertson. The French government met in Paris this morning and declared Robertson an enemy of the American people and issued a warrant for his arrest.

In a stunning new development, the French government announced an estimated 10,000 Americans have been detained by French, German, Bulgarian, Ukrainian and Polish coalition forces in newly built "rehabilitation" camp in West Virginia. Branded as "terrorists" these detainees, according to interim president de Villepin, are treated in accordance with Geneva Convention rules. However, he has denied the Red Cross or any human rights groups access to inspect living conditions in the West Virginia "rehabilitation" camp.

Today Chirac and Schroeder issued a communiqué announcing their scheduled meeting in Paris later this week to discuss the ever increasing terrorist violence in the the US. Chirac and Schroeder will discuss the transfer of power the American council on June 30 and how to combat the growing American insurgency.

Chirac and Schroeder concluded their communiqué stating: Vive la France and Deutschland Uber Alles. "

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"Quincitilius Varus, give me back my legions!"
Emperor Augustus of Rome.